Signs of life

There's a newness in this day that I can't quite put my finger on. I've only been awake for about 15 minutes, but I can tell already, just by opening the blinds.

I've been gone for a week, and as I look out my window the tree in front of me is green with new life.

New life. New growth.

I'm ready for that.

I think along with the tree, I'm beginning to see signs of a new season in my life, as well. I think it took hearing the truth one more time. My heart is ready to move on from winter.

No place to go but forward. Trees in the winter do not return to be their brilliant autumnal selves, but start anew with fresh buds, fresh green leaves, and fresh airplane flyers.

It doesn't stay winter forever. Thank God for spring.

Tonight's contemplation

Anything that perpetuates self, perpetuates sin.

Maybe just a little bit crazy..

"Come on, prove me wrong

And tell me I'm no loner
And tell me I'm not crazy
Or maybe just a little bit
Maybe just a little bit crazy
But mostly prove me wrong...

I'm feeling like a hearse
Like I'm carrying dead hurt
I'm tried of being right
I'm retired from that fight
Hey come on, prove me wrong

And tell me I'm no loner
And tell me I'm not crazy
Or maybe just a little bit
Maybe just a little bit crazy..."

-Fiction Family
"Mostly Prove Me Wrong"

Psalms 107

"They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way;
They found no city to dwell in.
Hungry and thirsty,
Their soul fainted in them.
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
And He delivered them out of their distresses.
And He led them forth by the right way,
That they might go to a city for a dwelling place.
Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!"
Psalms 107:4-8

Sometimes it's hard to feel like I'll ever stop the wandering. Not just in my physical location, but in my thoughts, my heart, my spirit. That someday I'll settle and take comfort. In one place. Fulfilled. Satisfied. Safe. Without so many questions lurking and required and filling every other thought.

Here's to trusting in the same God of this passage, who delivered and led forth, out of His goodness and wonderful works.

To a dwelling place.

A New Day.

Today I woke with...release. A peace that passes my understanding. A hope that, while I still have no clue about everything (or anything), I can rest in the protection of my heavenly Father. Like a sigh, a collapse.

I have often struggled with the subject of prayer. Like. God knows I need something. I prayed for it once, why keep on hounding?

And my sister (in-law) consulted her mentor on the subject for me. And her mentor showed her this verse:

"Trust in Him at all times, you people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us."

~Psalm 62:8

I've heard it before, but this time it really hit my heart. Prayer. Is for me. I pray to release my cares. I pray to express and "talk it out" with THE objective One. I pray to show myself that God is trustworthy to handle the messiest of my situations.

I pray to be humble. To acknowledge that I, the little human, does not know everything and cannot handle everything.

And He responds. Not always in the way I thought He would, but He does draw near.

He gave me a peace about my surgery, and by no doubt my recovery has been practically {physically} pain-free. True story. I've had much worse pain breaking bones than I have experienced being cut open and cut out. And I do believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is because I have been covered by the prayers of so many saints.

And while I thought that remembering His works and hoping in His word would get me to a particular path in another area of my life, I must have faith as I discover that I cannot predict God. He does not always work how I would think or expect. I said it once to someone, and I have to reiterate it to myself now: God works in mysterious ways. It's not a trite expression but a reminder that we cannot put God and His ways in a box.

He calls for faith at all cost, but also He promises to hold my hand and help me. He promises to not return me to captivity. He promises that hope in Him does not disappoint. These are His truths. Where the path leads, I cannot judge, as long as I am collapsed in Him.

So I rest. I have faith. And I trust that my God is who He says He is, and He will not let me melt into nothing-ness.

Because He grants me that peace. He gives me that hope.

Testing. Testing.

Is this thing still on?

"Whoever finds his life..."

"Whoever finds his life..."

"'Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it' (Matthew 10:39).

"Our culture is constantly telling us to find our life; that we’re the center of our world, and as such, we need to take care of “me” first. We need to find what fulfills us and not let anyone or anything (especially a husband or children) get in the way.

"But when I’m the center of my world, my world becomes very small—because I’m the only person in it. When I try to find fulfillment in anything besides loving Christ and serving Him, I will only end up more frustrated and completely unfulfilled."

...

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get "there." You know. That mysterious, euphoric place where the stars and planets and wills and desires and possibilities align. That place where I'll feel fulfilled, not longing for anything more, not feeling the lack of anything less. 

And actually. I probably shouldn't say "sometimes."  This is one of those questions I've been guilty of asking my whole life. Well. Maybe not my whole life. I don't know what I was thinking when I was a wee lass playing with Barbie (I think I was pretty content to do that.  I only gave them up because my bf at the time gave up hers). 

But I digress. 

Oh searching heart of mine...why so prone to wander?  And wonder?  

I can search this world over for things and jobs and people to fill my heart and mind. But in the end, when the things break, the job get tough, and the people leave, I will only be left more alone, more longing. 

Is the answer so allusive? 

Not really. 

I have two issues at hand here. One that all my wondering makes me extremely self-reflective and am therefore rather focused on me. I begin to lose sight of the others around me as more than players in my game of life. Like the writer of that blog says, a world with only me in it is pretty small. 

And secondly... My questions. My longing for more. My wonder if I'll ever feel fulfilled...

Look to Me, He says. Eyes off me, eyes of this world. Look at Me. The physical and emotional cannot fulfill the innermost part of me. That part in the very depth of my core that only longs to be reconnected with the One who created me. 

Will I ever find true, pure fulfillment?  Surely. But not on this side of eternity. 

So. What?  What do I do in the meantime?  

Live. Breathe. Serve. Worship. Accept. Take my eyes off of me and finding my life and my way and my happiness and my fulfillment. Realize that I'm not the only one who feels likewise. 

Now. If I can only get it through my thick skull.