"Whoever finds his life..."

"Whoever finds his life..."

"'Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it' (Matthew 10:39).

"Our culture is constantly telling us to find our life; that we’re the center of our world, and as such, we need to take care of “me” first. We need to find what fulfills us and not let anyone or anything (especially a husband or children) get in the way.

"But when I’m the center of my world, my world becomes very small—because I’m the only person in it. When I try to find fulfillment in anything besides loving Christ and serving Him, I will only end up more frustrated and completely unfulfilled."

...

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get "there." You know. That mysterious, euphoric place where the stars and planets and wills and desires and possibilities align. That place where I'll feel fulfilled, not longing for anything more, not feeling the lack of anything less. 

And actually. I probably shouldn't say "sometimes."  This is one of those questions I've been guilty of asking my whole life. Well. Maybe not my whole life. I don't know what I was thinking when I was a wee lass playing with Barbie (I think I was pretty content to do that.  I only gave them up because my bf at the time gave up hers). 

But I digress. 

Oh searching heart of mine...why so prone to wander?  And wonder?  

I can search this world over for things and jobs and people to fill my heart and mind. But in the end, when the things break, the job get tough, and the people leave, I will only be left more alone, more longing. 

Is the answer so allusive? 

Not really. 

I have two issues at hand here. One that all my wondering makes me extremely self-reflective and am therefore rather focused on me. I begin to lose sight of the others around me as more than players in my game of life. Like the writer of that blog says, a world with only me in it is pretty small. 

And secondly... My questions. My longing for more. My wonder if I'll ever feel fulfilled...

Look to Me, He says. Eyes off me, eyes of this world. Look at Me. The physical and emotional cannot fulfill the innermost part of me. That part in the very depth of my core that only longs to be reconnected with the One who created me. 

Will I ever find true, pure fulfillment?  Surely. But not on this side of eternity. 

So. What?  What do I do in the meantime?  

Live. Breathe. Serve. Worship. Accept. Take my eyes off of me and finding my life and my way and my happiness and my fulfillment. Realize that I'm not the only one who feels likewise. 

Now. If I can only get it through my thick skull. 

Questioning the air

Ever pretend not to care?

When you really do?

This is my mind. This is my mind in serious wonder. Any questions?

Yesterday I was reading books with Andi, and inbetween Round 1 and Round 2 of reading her her new library books, she asked me a question.

"Are you going to live here?"

Auh. Oh man, my heart ached just a bit more, as in the past few days I have begun to wonder how I could leave these little girls who have their auntie's heart.

"No... Do you want me to live here?" I asked her.

"Yeah.  I live here, and you should live here."

I almost cried (surprise).

So, the battle within me continues to war as I am reminded of yet another consideration.  I long to be settled.  Live in one place.  Have friends who I can develop relationships with and hang out with.  Be part of a church. ...  But really.  Here?  In Rockford?  I like the south!  I like D.C.!  But.  Then I consider that I don't really have a really good reason to stay in one place, eh?  I'm single!  I should go and travel and all that jazz while I can now!....right?

I'm left with the questions of what do you do when life doesn't turn out at all like you expect it to?  I just turned 24, and I can honestly say that I did not expect to be where I am.  Sooo... what to do?  I cannot make paths that are not there.

I've come to learn that I indeed cannot force life to be what I want it to be.  I do not have control over circumstances or people.  (I think this life lesson is the reason that my personality type changed a bit...I used to have a #2 choleric score...which, when I recently took the little personality test again, dropped two slots to last.  Oh the wisdom of the years).

But.  How do I deal with words spoken over me and my dreams and my passions...and my desire to do something in this world that really matters?  Yeah.  Purpose.

Hmmm... To go?  To stay?  To get another job?  I just don't want to live with regrets, but I also have to accept that there are no guarantees.

But.

There is peace.

And peace doesn't just come, it must be pursued (Psalm 34:14).  I must pursue it.

So.  Here's to peace. And to rolling with life. And to the hope that someday we may understand the mysteries of our lives.

Screwy.

If C.S. is right in saying that life is more like an undulating wave rather than a constant straight line...

I'd have to say...

The water's been pretty choppy recently.