Not dreamin'...

Seeing my name at the top of this list makes me realize that walking across that stage is not a far-off dream.

I'm almost done...

I'm just tired of searching for/reading facts.

I'm a researcher. I wish I wasn't, but it's kind of a family trait that none of us can seem to shake.

We like to get all the facts. Make an "informed" "decision" (if we ever get around to making one).

I've been researching vitamins and cameras for the past two hours.

Yes. Yes, there is such a thing as over-analyzing.

But thankfully I'm just "well-informed."

*Edit*

Oh, and I forgot the daily search for a plane ticket. Anyone want to go to hot and humid Illinois in July?

There once was a cat named Babs...

Few people understand the value and place of a pet in a family. We didn't have lots of animals when I was young. But we did have a dog. And my sister had a cat. And then, when I was eight, I finally convinced my parents to let me take home a the little white runt of the litter from a family friend's farm.

And so Babs "became a Berg" that summer of '92. And she became my baby, my princess, my special little cumquat.

I could wax long about her quirks, but I realize that no one, save those in my immediate family, would care or understand.

And, as few of people understand the value and place of a pet in a family, fewer yet fully understand the loss of one.

And so forgive me as I type this post for myself. And for my parents who gave greatly of themselves to care for my cat the past few months. She was a special one for sure...who had a place for me in her heart as much as I have one for her in mine.

And so. I don't have a good way to end this. I'm just thankful that she's no longer struggling. And I'm thankful that God used my little runt as His tool for healing. And I pray, just in God's style, that He would continue to bring fullness of life even through death.

Bright hope for tomorrow

This summer you can find me in Cleveland, Tennessee.

Yesterday, after months of searching, running, thinking and waiting, I started my internship.

It’s not a glamorous job. It’s not in Atlanta or Charleston or San Diego or Chicago or New York. And it doesn’t pay.

And regardless of these factors, I still found myself pumped and elated Sunday night and Monday morning to start working with New Hope Pregnancy Care Center as their public relations intern.

Because, you see, I had a slight revelation.

A teacher of mine had told me about this internship way back in March or so. It tugged at me, but I sadly dismissed it because, well, I wanted to go to Atlanta (aka “The Land of Opportunity”).

Weeks upon weeks went by. Resumes went out. Silence returned. Prayers were abundant—just as abundant as the admonition from those who prayed to not worry but fully trust the Lord and His timing.

Out of options, I finally contacted the director of New Hope and met with her before I left for Atlanta and Illinois in May. It was tentatively set for me to start when I got back, but that didn’t stop me from still looking for another internship.

I knew that if I was going to relocate to Atlanta, God would have to open some doors and work some things out. And I knew that if I was to stay in Cleveland, the Lord would need to work some things out in my heart and give me the desire to do so.

Well, long story short, I am here in Cleveland and so expectant and confident in the Lord and His work. I shouldn’t have run from His tug in the first place—it would have saved me a lot of anxiety and a lot of “I don’t know” answers to inquirers questions.

I don’t want to work in corporate America (or Europe or China…). God has blessed me with an amazing opportunity to do what He’s given me a heart to do. And I’m excited to see what is ahead (Yeah…after that official graduation thing).

I cannot be someone I am not. I cannot deny the passions and compassions He has given me. I cannot be content to be silent when He has given me a voice for those without one. I must do something I believe in. I must live a life of passion.

In all this, I am learning to hear the Lord and know what His leading looks like. It’s quite a journey.

And so, I must get back to work doing a little research on what someone who is facing an unplanned pregnancy thinks. Then I can make a post-card and flyer for a mass mailing to those on the south-side of town.

All for His glory.

“Surely His salvation is near to those who fear Him, That glory may dwell in our land.
Mercy and truth have met together; Righteousness and peace have kissed.
Truth shall spring out of the earth, And righteousness shall look down from heaven.
Yes, the Lord will give what is good; And our land will yield its increase.
Righteousness will go before Him, And shall make His footsteps our pathway.”

Psalm 85:9-13

Waiting.

...seemingly my life's profession.

The ways of the wanderer.

Yeah. I'm really not doing good with keeping up with this anymore. I suppose I got out of the habit.

Well, I've finally found my way back up to Illinois--the first time since I left in January. How great it is to see my family and nieces! God is working here, and I'm excited to see His continuing work.

I spent last week in Atlanta. My right eye has now been lasered. It hasn't healed as quickly as the other, but the doctor still says it looks good. My vision still isn't incredibly stable...especially at night. I think some prayer is still in order even though the surgeries are done...

My week in Atlanta was uneventful, save the hours I spent at IHOP--the International House of Prayer, not the pancake house. I happened to be around for a Bound 4 Life weekend, which was so amazing to be a part of--praying for abortion to end. I have a burden for the unborn--and so I marvel at the coincidences of God. And since I didn't have much to do during the rest of the week, it provided time for a much-needed spiritual respite and renewal. God is an amazing mystery.

Speaking of mysteries, my summer is still a bit of one. I still don't have an internship solidified. There is one in the works at the local pregnancy care center in Cleveland, which would indeed be a unique and special opportunity, seeing as it was a hope of mine to work at one one day. And then, as of yesterday, I have an interview in Atlanta the day after I fly back. So, we'll see what happens.

All I know is that I've been told not to worry; God has it all under control and is working in His timing. He's definitely calling me to trust Him...and so I hide myself in Him. What else can I do? What are my plans anyway? I'd rather go with His; His ways are so much higher and better. I give up. Daily. He's an amazing sovereign Father who loves us faithfully and relentlessly.

So this is my life at the current moment. Yeah. Thrilling. Aren't you glad I posted?

Oh, what a beautiful morning!

• It’s been a while, eh?
  
  Well, the good news is that my semester is DONE!! Praise the Lord Almighty. I wasn’t sure how I was going to accomplish the mass amount of work that needed to get done in the past couple weeks, but, only by the grace of God, it’s all done…all 60+ pages of it.
  
  And so, I would like to share a few blessings of this morning:
  
• An A+ on my research project that I invested a mass amount of time into (but actually thoroughly enjoyed). Let me know if you would like to know more about the correlations between romance movies and romantic relationship beliefs.
• Organic steak, sweet potatoes and dark chocolate with chilies from my boss. I knew she liked like me, but I didn’t know she did this much! And yes, I did say steak. I’ve been wanting some all semester for some reason.
• The card from all the girls I work with. Yeah. Words of affirmation. That's what I'm talking about.
• My favorite Mary Kay lip gloss from the mom of one of my babies at work.
• An espresso macchiato solo with extra foam from Starbucks. Amazing. And yes, I did say espresso.
• A little girl on the other end of the phone telling me something about her messy hands, purple and her napping sissy.
• Laundry. I love doing laundry. And hanging it up outside. I was a little disappointed that I finished all mine…so I started doing my roommate’s.
• The joy of knowing that only an internship stand between me and a diploma.
• Oh...just the small things...
  

And, since I haven’t been sharing much this semester, here’s what’s new:

• My left eye no longer needs a contact (the right eye is soon to follow suit). Yep. This blind girl squeaked in just in time to have insurance cover $1000 for vision correction surgery before I cease to be a full-time student. The right eye is getting done May 11…it’s a little jealous of the left eye and can hardly wait.

Okay, well, I guess that’s pretty much the most notable new thing. Yeah. Well. I did a lot of school work, okay?

More writings soon to follow. It’s good to be back.

Ah, I see....

Yesterday I went under the laser.

And now, this blind-as-bat girl can see...sort of clearly...in her left eye.

Yep. That's my update. Praise the Lord it all went well.

Now if I can just conquer all this school work...

Whoa..

Time sure does fly. I've been a busy bee as of late, and honestly, at this moment, I'm just looking for a little respite from working on my midterm website.

All I have to say right now is...

Sometimes, I really hate being a perfectionist. Stuff takes forevvveerrr.

Sorry. That's all I've got right now. Or have got time for.

Here. Listening.

Sometimes the painter must put down the brush and admire.

The musician needs to refrain from composing and hear.

The speaker must silence and listen.


There is a season when the writer’s words are few so she will read.

When the seeker cannot seek so she will be found.

When opportunities for the “doer” decrease so she may be a “be-er.”

When what was thought to be “silence” was really a call for her to be silent.

So He can speak.

And she can listen.

It was almost mine...

Yeah. I kinda view bouquet tosses as a sport.

I didn't intentially elbow my friend in the face.

She was gracious and forgiving, nonetheless.

And she gave me the bouquet to boot.

#100

I've never taught Sunday school before.

Sure I've helped out with the wee ones.

And I even co-led a cell group for college+ students back in Illinois.

But now I find myself searching for something to bring to a room full of 9-11-year-olds.

And so I am presented with a new challenge (did I mention it's in a Hispanic church that I went to for the first time last week?).

I must find a medium between deeper Biblical truths I'm discovering and..."goo, goo, ga..blah!"

But, I suppose even grade-schoolers can understand and comprehend our call to be the Body of Christ, and their values in it.

I'm thinking of starting with a race between one child who has to hop on one leg and one who can...eh, walk briskly...on both.

He, he. They'll get so mad at the injustice of it.

Perfect.

And on the seventh day...

Yeah.

The “contemplations” have been rather lax as of late.

I’m not sure whether this is due to lack thereof…or perhaps just contemplations of the sort that are better kept hidden away in my mind instead of sprawled on screen.

Or maybe, I’m just too tired and busy to formulate anything worthwhile.

Hmm…this should not be.

In January I read through Genesis and Exodus. A lot went down in these two books. The very foundations of our faith laid by men like Noah, Isaac, Joseph, Jacob, Aaron, Joshua…and ol’ what’s-his-name?...Moses.

I’ll admit that not all of it was exhilarating. Is all of anything exhilarating?

But it was interesting, parts of it reveling of us, parts reveling of God….and parts reveling God’s keys to living a life that pleases Him.

The Lord really hammers away at this whole “Sabbath” suggestion.

Or at least that’s what we like to think it is. A nice suggestion to set aside the stresses and pressures of life for one day. One day to take a rest from the world and abide in Him.

He commands it rather intently. Quite a few times. Even condemning violators to death.

Many studies confirm the benefits of taking a “rest day.” Exercise is fabulous, but work-out every day of every week and the body will be fatigued and worse off.

That’s just like God. His usually has statues for a reason. Benefits unknown.

No, I am not under the law, and thanks to His Son, I don’t have to be put to death for violating this law.

But I long to adhere to the Spirit of this law.

Great blessing is found in obedience.

And so while I am left (once again) with dilemmas as to how to implement REST in my life, I am encouraged that God honors those who honestly seek Him and His ways. He will grant grace with time, and He will be lavish with renewal and strengthening.

So, I will try my best to keep to His standards for working and rest. Work hard for six days (that’s key in taking a Sabbath). Rest on the seventh.

Mmm. I feel better already.

Days

There are days when I become frazzled at the thought of all that must be done and all that must fall into place.

And then peace one can't quite understand floods in as He says, "Ah, forgetaboutit."

He's so gracious.

And I'm so grateful.

Photos

Here.

Enjoy if you dare.

Changin'.

Oh, so silly of me to believe that I could keep that "perfect" schedule I had all planned out.

Yeah. Thanks.

But it's my last semester...so grin and bear it I will.

Not that all the changes that occurred in my schedule were bad.

Like, say, taking a particular class with a certain someone.

He, he.

From me, to you, with love

The sun has set on the last day of 2006.

I’m not where I had expected (or hoped) to be for this “special” night. Try as I might, I wasn’t able to get to you to be there tonight. I’m sad, for sure, but I’ll trust that He has purpose in everything. He's probably keeping me from the temptation of dropping out of school to come live up there, or something:)

In lieu of my presence I thought I’d just tell you a few things here.

More than a quarter of my year was spent with you fine folks. You spent more time with me than my family has in the past year and a half. Perhaps that’s why I consider you part of “extended” family.

Thanks for being family to me.

Perhaps this all sounds a bit redundant. I’m sure I’ve waxed eloquent previously about you, but, hey, what’s one more time? Especially since I haven’t seen you in a few months and I have no idea when I will again.

I’m not so good with keeping in close touch with those far away…or with always letting on my thoughts…or my gratitude…or what’s really going on.

So. Just so you know.

Knowing you and spending a few months with you influenced my views on family, relationships, Christ-like living… You showed me a new standard--an obtainable, non-legalistic, non-weird, purposeful standard. Even in the last week, I’m aware of more things that I’m sure I’ve paid no heed to before. No, I don’t always “turn my eyes from worthless things,” but I assure you that I remember what I learned and observed from you.

If we’re playing word association here, I would have to tell you that when I think of my north country home, I think of family. My future children and husband will thank you for transforming and forming my perceptions of family.

And what better family to be with than the ones who so hospitably opened up their home to me? You are brave people to let some Midwestern stranger come and, not only occupy a room in your house, but a place in your family. You both amaze me in your dedication, patience, and devotion to each other, your children and your God. You indeed have set a very high bar in many areas for me! But I must say…Sorry for being so aloof and quiet at times. I love you guys (little ones, too, of course).

To the girls who became my sisters…thanks for including me and for all the fun times and adventures. You even laughed at my… “after-11-o’clock-ness”… You may not know it, but you helped do a little shaping in a few ways. Why, I don’t think I would even wake up now if someone’s head made its way to my pillow:) Thanks…for being there for me when I needed you the most. I love you.

This is fast becoming one of those long Oscar speeches…they’re starting to play the music on me.

So. To my Norfolk family; to all of those in THE CFC family (and extendeds); to the Spain group (en EspanaaaAAHHaahahah); to those I spent a good many Friday, Saturday, Sunday night with; to those I beat in cards (and yes, was beaten by); to those who first lead me there….

My thoughts are with you tonight. And I pray that you would receive blessings a hundred-fold of how you blessed me…and that God would lead us back together sooner rather than later.

Internship Searching….

There’s the scandalous:

i'm looking for sexy ladies to model for a new club opening in Atl.

Aaahh! And that grammar!

The…well…potentially scandalous:

JEZEBEL Magazine…

Please, say no more.

And the just plan ODD:

This position requires the daily use of tools, email/internet and photography. Must have
1/4 inch ratchet and socket set,
3/8 ratchet and socket set,
wrenches( 8mm to 14mm)
extensions(3, 6 & 8 inches)
Flathead and phillips screwdrivers,
side cutters
Must have a digital camera and computer with internet access.
Must be able to read and write english and follow directions.
If you have the necessary hand tools as well as the electronic requirements email me with a resume and pics of the listed requirements.

Do I even want to know?

Well, this search should be interesting...

New year, new you?

Sure, I’ve changed this year.

But upon perusal of past journals, I’m starting to question just how far I’ve really come from five years ago.

My journals are the stories of my life. They catalog my journey, my struggles, my growths, my revelations, my fears, my hopes… They’re not consistent and some entries are few and far between. I used to struggle to fill one notebook in a year.

This year I filled two…plus some.

But reading about my life in 2002-2003, I was amazed at the content. At the verses I copied and the issues I struggled with. I was amazed at the first, discouraged with the latter. Many of the verses and thoughts about passages were very similar to what could be found in the two notebooks from this year. Unfortunately, the doubts, struggles, lessons, etc. were quite similar, too. Will I ever get it?...Whatever “it” is?

I’m left echoing Paul..Why do I do the things I know I shouldn’t, and I don’t do the things I should?

In a couple days we will bid 2006 adieu and welcome 2007.

2007 is bound to be a different year than years past just based on circumstance alone.

I’ll turn 23 in a month--an age, I assure you, that years ago I planned to reach in mighty different circumstances. But, hey, that’s okay.

I’ll be graduating college. And getting what some like to call a “real job.” I once again assure you that I feel ill-prepared and wonder who in the world would hire me.

But aside from the circumstance, what else will be different about 2007? Will I struggle with the same doubts and fears? Will I finally apply diligence to all areas of my life and not just a few? Will I finally understand that neither I nor other people in my life have attained perfect holiness, but we all are being sanctified?

Will I look to Him for direction? Will I finally realize that every dream and desire I have must be surrendered to Him? Will I look to Him to open doors and prepare me for whatever is to come? Will I trust that He will be provider as He has been, not only financially, but relationally, spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally?

I’ve never been one to set New Year’s resolutions. Too mainstream. Too popular.

Too much opportunity to fail.

My perfectionist nature and my longing not to be hypocritical are probably what have held me from setting goals. I’d rather not shoot than shoot and miss.

But alas, I’m reminded of something my co-leader of one of my small groups once said: To not try is to fail.

And I’m reminded of what the Good Book says: Without vision the people perish.

And so, as the new year approaches, I understand that my heart, my mind and my life will not magically change when the ball drops (or an hour after the ball drops, since I’m currently in Central Time). I must pursue. I must seek. I must be diligent. I must be expectant.

I must be purposeful.

I don’t know what 2007 will hold. And honestly, I don’t want to know. But I am resolved to seek Him every step of the way.

Peace

"Whatever my lot

Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well,

It is well

With my soul."