From me, to you, with love

The sun has set on the last day of 2006.

I’m not where I had expected (or hoped) to be for this “special” night. Try as I might, I wasn’t able to get to you to be there tonight. I’m sad, for sure, but I’ll trust that He has purpose in everything. He's probably keeping me from the temptation of dropping out of school to come live up there, or something:)

In lieu of my presence I thought I’d just tell you a few things here.

More than a quarter of my year was spent with you fine folks. You spent more time with me than my family has in the past year and a half. Perhaps that’s why I consider you part of “extended” family.

Thanks for being family to me.

Perhaps this all sounds a bit redundant. I’m sure I’ve waxed eloquent previously about you, but, hey, what’s one more time? Especially since I haven’t seen you in a few months and I have no idea when I will again.

I’m not so good with keeping in close touch with those far away…or with always letting on my thoughts…or my gratitude…or what’s really going on.

So. Just so you know.

Knowing you and spending a few months with you influenced my views on family, relationships, Christ-like living… You showed me a new standard--an obtainable, non-legalistic, non-weird, purposeful standard. Even in the last week, I’m aware of more things that I’m sure I’ve paid no heed to before. No, I don’t always “turn my eyes from worthless things,” but I assure you that I remember what I learned and observed from you.

If we’re playing word association here, I would have to tell you that when I think of my north country home, I think of family. My future children and husband will thank you for transforming and forming my perceptions of family.

And what better family to be with than the ones who so hospitably opened up their home to me? You are brave people to let some Midwestern stranger come and, not only occupy a room in your house, but a place in your family. You both amaze me in your dedication, patience, and devotion to each other, your children and your God. You indeed have set a very high bar in many areas for me! But I must say…Sorry for being so aloof and quiet at times. I love you guys (little ones, too, of course).

To the girls who became my sisters…thanks for including me and for all the fun times and adventures. You even laughed at my… “after-11-o’clock-ness”… You may not know it, but you helped do a little shaping in a few ways. Why, I don’t think I would even wake up now if someone’s head made its way to my pillow:) Thanks…for being there for me when I needed you the most. I love you.

This is fast becoming one of those long Oscar speeches…they’re starting to play the music on me.

So. To my Norfolk family; to all of those in THE CFC family (and extendeds); to the Spain group (en EspanaaaAAHHaahahah); to those I spent a good many Friday, Saturday, Sunday night with; to those I beat in cards (and yes, was beaten by); to those who first lead me there….

My thoughts are with you tonight. And I pray that you would receive blessings a hundred-fold of how you blessed me…and that God would lead us back together sooner rather than later.

Internship Searching….

There’s the scandalous:

i'm looking for sexy ladies to model for a new club opening in Atl.

Aaahh! And that grammar!

The…well…potentially scandalous:

JEZEBEL Magazine…

Please, say no more.

And the just plan ODD:

This position requires the daily use of tools, email/internet and photography. Must have
1/4 inch ratchet and socket set,
3/8 ratchet and socket set,
wrenches( 8mm to 14mm)
extensions(3, 6 & 8 inches)
Flathead and phillips screwdrivers,
side cutters
Must have a digital camera and computer with internet access.
Must be able to read and write english and follow directions.
If you have the necessary hand tools as well as the electronic requirements email me with a resume and pics of the listed requirements.

Do I even want to know?

Well, this search should be interesting...

New year, new you?

Sure, I’ve changed this year.

But upon perusal of past journals, I’m starting to question just how far I’ve really come from five years ago.

My journals are the stories of my life. They catalog my journey, my struggles, my growths, my revelations, my fears, my hopes… They’re not consistent and some entries are few and far between. I used to struggle to fill one notebook in a year.

This year I filled two…plus some.

But reading about my life in 2002-2003, I was amazed at the content. At the verses I copied and the issues I struggled with. I was amazed at the first, discouraged with the latter. Many of the verses and thoughts about passages were very similar to what could be found in the two notebooks from this year. Unfortunately, the doubts, struggles, lessons, etc. were quite similar, too. Will I ever get it?...Whatever “it” is?

I’m left echoing Paul..Why do I do the things I know I shouldn’t, and I don’t do the things I should?

In a couple days we will bid 2006 adieu and welcome 2007.

2007 is bound to be a different year than years past just based on circumstance alone.

I’ll turn 23 in a month--an age, I assure you, that years ago I planned to reach in mighty different circumstances. But, hey, that’s okay.

I’ll be graduating college. And getting what some like to call a “real job.” I once again assure you that I feel ill-prepared and wonder who in the world would hire me.

But aside from the circumstance, what else will be different about 2007? Will I struggle with the same doubts and fears? Will I finally apply diligence to all areas of my life and not just a few? Will I finally understand that neither I nor other people in my life have attained perfect holiness, but we all are being sanctified?

Will I look to Him for direction? Will I finally realize that every dream and desire I have must be surrendered to Him? Will I look to Him to open doors and prepare me for whatever is to come? Will I trust that He will be provider as He has been, not only financially, but relationally, spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally?

I’ve never been one to set New Year’s resolutions. Too mainstream. Too popular.

Too much opportunity to fail.

My perfectionist nature and my longing not to be hypocritical are probably what have held me from setting goals. I’d rather not shoot than shoot and miss.

But alas, I’m reminded of something my co-leader of one of my small groups once said: To not try is to fail.

And I’m reminded of what the Good Book says: Without vision the people perish.

And so, as the new year approaches, I understand that my heart, my mind and my life will not magically change when the ball drops (or an hour after the ball drops, since I’m currently in Central Time). I must pursue. I must seek. I must be diligent. I must be expectant.

I must be purposeful.

I don’t know what 2007 will hold. And honestly, I don’t want to know. But I am resolved to seek Him every step of the way.

Peace

"Whatever my lot

Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well,

It is well

With my soul."

"For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called

Wonderful,

Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of His government and peace
There will be no end,
Upon the throne of David and over His kingdom,
To order it and establish it with judgment and justice
From that time forward, even forever.
The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this."

~Isaiah 9:6-7~

Merry Christmas!

I miss you.

Quotable

"In fact, [patience] helps us to recognize where our real desires lie. It separates our passing enthusiasm from our true longings. It reveals to us both our shallowness and our depths."
~David Runcorn

Days go by...

And are filled with…

• Time with the nieces. Of course.
• Day trips to Whole Foods and Trader Joes in the burbs.
• Visiting my little kitty in the hospital:(
• Bringing the kitty home :)
• Shopping!
• Cleaning! (I can’t seem to get away from it)
• Walking a mile and a half in the rain…voluntarily.
• Hitting up Chi-Town with two of my best gals here in Rock.
• Relating with "Daaown" about southern speak
• Wondering why the Macy’s in Chicago closes at 9:00 and the one in Rockford closes at midnight…
• Rejoicing that at least the bronze Marshal Fields Co. sign is still on the corner of the newly-deemed Macy's building
• Dancing in the streets and all that jazz:)
• …
• Hoping and praying for a miracle…or two…

Whatcha gonna do with all that?

Part of Grandpa and Grandma's moving process has been the divvying out of most of the possessions packed in their small house.

The rule was to take whatever they offered; what we did with it after that was our prerogative.

On Thanksgiving the family was going through Christmas decorations. I made a bid for the nutcracker. Last night I inquired whether I "won." I did. Apparently Mom was in charge of it and ended up with quite a bit.

In fact, she said, "I still have a lot of junk in my trunk."

*Insert my uproarious laughter here*

Attention!

New pictures here.

I think I need to go pro.

But first I should get my camera fixed:(

*Gasp*...not so random...

Well, the semester is finally over, and I'm looking forward to returning to Rockford on Sunday and seeing the fam.

Until then, I'll enjoy the Tennessee weather. Today reminds me of April. It's nice. After dropping off my little car to be checked out, I walked for about 40 minutes, eventually finding myself here...the library.

So, as this year comes to a close, I'm—of course—reflective of the past 365 days. As my roommates are well-aware of, I have this ability...this tendency...to remember random "anniversaries." Like, one year ago today I was driving to Illinois for Christmas break.

And so I started to think about what this "one year" has held...and how much I've changed.

God has definitely been at work in my today. He's pushed me and pulled me. Every circumstance and situation has worked to draw me out of myself and closer to Him.

I think about a year ago when I first became friends with my roommates. It was random. I barely knew Beca when we decided to start looking for off-campus housing. I knew Rachel and Laura even less. But we moved in together in a very small--but very full of character :)--house. It was divine. God used that time in many, many ways, but I know the most significant for me was that I learned to...well...play well with others. I'm a bit of a loner and had lived most of my life not in community. God used those girls to bring be out of seclusion. I learned to be open, transparent...me. The people who know us best are the ones we live with because they see us in every situation...good and bad. Four girls living in one small house with one bedroom couldn't hide from each other. And I'm glad.

This year, on the roller coaster that was 2006, I went through the fire, through the testing, through the questioning, through the doubt, through the high highs and very low lows… I can’t say that I’ll be sad to leave 2006 behind, but I also wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’ve been brought to new places in the Lord. I’ve learned so much. Called higher. Grown greatly.

It’s not my own doing. I never could have gotten to where I am today alone—not that I’ve reached the top of the mountain or am resting on some high plateau. The chastening and relentless love of my heavenly Father has brought me here. It’s taken quite a bit for me to be utterly thankful for His work, but I am.

Last night at church I read Psalm 107. It mentioned “wandering.” It struck a chord. I feel as if I’ve been wandering for years and years. Like I’ve been walking in a haze, questioning what my calling is, what the purpose of everything is…almost seeing how pieces fit together but wondering what pieces are missing.

But I feel a change is coming. Like I can see the Promise Land though I’m not yet in it…it’s so close. I think next year is going to be quite a year. I’m expectant of what the Lord will bring about. I’m excited to experience His goodness in new ways. I’m excited for the vision, for the calling, for the providence, for the fullness.

And so, I will wait on Him and continue to seek His heart. I trust Him. He’s shown Himself so very faithful.

Yet another random post...

It’s finals time. I’m rather sure that my diligence earlier in the semester is being rewarded now. Somehow the past two weeks have been pleasant and stress-free.

But, not that I’m not busy.

I’ve been occupied with breakfasts, It’s a Wonderful Life, Holiday Inn, Elf, caroling in the freezing cold, hide-n-seek in Wal-Mart, children, shopping, Christmas parties, etc.

‘Tis the season. I’m glad I get to enjoy it :)

Volume discounts

All of the Berg siblings have this on our Christmas lists.

I guess taste in music runs in the blood.

Almost...there...

I've just completed my last paper for the semester:

"Life's Like a Barrel of Monkeys."

Awwyeah. It's a good one.

Where's Goose when I need 'im?

(In case you don't know who Goose is, he's Maverick's wingman in "Top Gun")

The only problem with being the pointman (or "wingman") is that pointmen don't have pointmen.

I doesn't happen very often, but I could of used one today.

So this is what it's like...

Traveling the world over...

Apparently I need to do something else to fulfill my cross-cultural requirement to graduate.

Yeah. Evidently technicalities are more important than having a genuine cultural experience (as was the case this summer in Spain).

So, the options are open. But the timing is not. Spring break will be spent in one of these three places:

• Ireland
• Trinidad
• Bolivia

Or somewhere else???

Or I could just spend some time in the Spanish church.

Hmm...though expensive, this is kinda exciting, I must admit.

Over travel plans...okay...dreams/hopes: Europe post-graduation :)

I'm excited to see where the Lord leads:)

"Jingle Bells" is a Thanksgiving song...

Well, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.

On the day itself, I went with the family I stayed with to the Chattanooga Rescue Mission to serve food. It was nothing special, really, but it was just so good to be able to serve. It had me thinking that perhaps I should start a tradition of my own…

On Friday my friend, her sister and I went shopping in the morning around Cleveland. Not exactly a commercial hotbed, but we got some good deals and had some good times, nonetheless. Later that day we had our Thanksgiving meal followed by impromptu dancing, a jam session and some “Moods” playing.

I really had such a restful and fun holiday! I love when holidays last longer than a day. I mean, that’s how they celebrate in other places! Bring on the week-long celebration feasts! But anyway, they say I was initiated into their family this weekend, but I think I initiated them to be mine. I mean, once someone is subjected to the “after-10-o’clock” side, there’s no going back;)

All weekend I was so thankful for the community we have as God-followers. My family is not restricted by blood. God provides community and family to all who have none or who are apart from theirs. Being a part of the Body is a huge blessing that God designed for His people. I’m thankful for the precious gift of community…for privilege and blessing it is to be a part of the family of God.

Just a sentimental girl...

For those who don’t know, I’m an emotional, sentimental girl.

Oh sure, rumors swirl around that I'm one tough cookie. But even tough cookies get soft if you soak them in milk long enough.

My excellent subconscious, selective memory works to further perpetuate such emotional sentimentality.

Thanksgiving is in two days. My housemates and most of my fellow classmates are leaving today to return home.

And I’m not afraid to admit that I’m emotional just thinking about not being home for the holiday.

It’s only the second holiday I’ve not been home. Six years ago, Thanksgiving Day found me in Edinburgh, Scotland, eating a rather unconventional turkey-day meal.

I love traditions and perhaps this is what I will miss most about not being home. I’ll miss watching Home Alone…an annual tradition that started a looong time ago when it was shown on television every Thanksgiving. We would joke about it and mock it at times, but we watched every year. The first year it wasn’t played, we protested and went straight to Hollywood Video to rent a copy. Hey, tradition is tradition.

And then there is the Berg ladies’ tradition of rising in the dark morning the day after Thanksgiving to hit all the sales. Oh, those are good times, let me tell you. Last year I got up before 4a.m. to stand in line at Circuit City for a laptop she wanted to get. We didn’t rise early enough to get the computer, but we did rise early enough to create quite a memory.

And since I’m talking Thanksgiving here, I can’t neglect to mention the yummy food that Mom makes. My roommates are probably so sick of hearing me lament over not getting to eat the Thanksgiving fare made specially for my dietary restrictions. Oh, man. I’m having Mom freeze me some food to have when I come home for Christmas break.

Oh, I’ll survive. I know! It could be worse! At least I have a friend and family here to spend the holiday with! Thanksgiving in Tennessee won’t be a tragedy. I’ve been extremely blessed the past year and a half to be with my family as often as I have. Perhaps this time will help me to be more empathetic. Surely there is good to come from it.

But I can’t help but miss the traditions I’m missing out on. I talked with my mom the other night for an hour and she said she wasn’t sure what she’d do without me to go shopping with. And she said that my Aunt Maria was sad to hear I wouldn’t be up since she hasn’t seen me since Easter.

*sigh*

My family’s far from perfect, but they’re still my family. And I personally believe family and holidays go hand-in-hand.

So, I’ll hold back the tears and enjoy a few days of rest and serving here.

Sure, I’ll be a bit emotional every once in a while.

But that’s just my lot as a sentimental girl.

"It's rather safe to say...

...that it's a rather blustery day." ~Winnie the Pooh

I don't usually quote W.t.P., but this song from my childhood is what rings clear in my mind on a day like today. Drizzle. Wind. Cold.

I avoided going out.

Finally I succumb to the need to go to the library.

And I was oh so pleasantly surprised that the library is warmer than any other place I have been today.

Oh, bless the Lord.

...

Some of the southerns down here ask me if I think it's been cold lately...you know, being from the North and all. I say...

YES!

I live in Tennessee now!

I've adapted!

I like warmth.

Mmm....toasty.

...

Random.

Still here

I do still write. It’s just that my writing these days takes the forms of press releases, yearbook stories, non-fiction essays and reading responses.

I do still contemplate. It’s just that my contemplations are more suitable for my journal than the world wide web.

…

My classes for next semester are all set up. Sixteen hours of communication courses are in queue for the spring….13 of those hours being on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Ooo…that should be fun.

…

So, lately I’ve been hearing from the fam stories of my niece Andi’s mentions of me. Nikki said that she asked, “Auntie Kelly come over today?” and Mom related a story of her taking my mom’s cell phone and asking, “Call Auntie Kelly?”

Well, it’s nice to know that the aunt “far, far away” is not forgotten.

Even if I won't be there for another 33 days.
…

Silence.

The silence doesn’t stop at my blog.

More prevalent is the silence in my heart.

And the silence here is the result of the silence there.

It’s a silence that can’t be overcome by a trip to room 204, a room where it always sounds nice. But for some reason tonight the notes didn't harmonize and the pitch seemed flat. I can only take it as a hint to be quiet.

The allusive “they” say that it’s in these times that we are to fight harder, press closer and listen longer.

In this I feel I’ve failed both the allusive “they” and the One I’m to be fighting to press closer to hear.

How could He love an unfaithful heart like mine?

And I wonder how God can be so merciful. Mercy baffles me. I wish mercy was more a part of my character than it is. Having a strong sense of justice without the balance of mercy is a bit dangerous. Aaannnd yet I am compassionate? How can I have compassion without mercy?

Sometimes my deficiency in mercy leads me to say things harshly and have attitudes that are “justified.” There’s nothing wrong with black and white…but I think I need help understanding the giving of white when one deserves black.

And perhaps this is what holds me up sometimes in my relationship with the Lord. I don’t feel as if I deserve such attention from the Creator of the universe. I don’t deserve the love and faithfulness of a perfect Lord when I am so imperfect and unfaithful and apathetic at times.

Yet where would I be without mercy?

He still calls us the apple of His eye and the joy set before Him in spite of our undulating emotions and devotion.

It is the slight revelation of His mercy that spurs my heart to have one constant cry to pierce the silence.

I need You, Jesus.